There are things a person should do a certain way. I am not that person. If it’s going to be hard, it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do. If you want it to be sad, the saddest. I don’t do anything half-assed. I’d rather feel every feeling, every way and be left with nothing, than try and forget. These things happen on purpose, whether we expect it or not, and why not live as much as possible and feel as much as possible before the inevitable, long, sleep.
It’s hard when you know what your heart wants. But things like doubt, insecurity, and loneliness cloud your judgement. Who am I to tell me what to do? I know deep down what it is that I want- but my mind knows me better. I’ll be hurt, sad, without consolation. The change is what scares me but it’s the change my heart craves. How do I choose? The conflict is devastating and without end. “Idle hands are the devil’s play thing,” so I guess my only choice is to play.
It is the chaos that brings the most peaceful moments in my life. The more destruction and uncertainty that enters into my life, the more I feel like I know what I’m doing. Amidst the chaos, I know what is right and I know what will bring me tranquility. The true chaos of life is not what happens to us, but what we discover there and how we move forward.